The Bar Story
This guy goes to a bar that's on the tenth floor of a hotel. He sits down and has a couple of drinks, then stands up, announces loudly that he has had enough, and goes over and jumps out the window. Now, there are two men who are sitting at a window table, and having that natural human curiosity about the grotesque, watch as this man plummets to certain death. However, just as he is about to hit the ground, he rights himself, pulls his feet underneath himself, and lands gracefully. He then turns and comes back into the building. Naturally, the two men are amazed. The guy comes back into the bar, orders a few drinks, then repeats the process. The two men at the window seat are astounded! When the guy returns and repeats the procedure AGAIN, the two men stop him before he jumps and ask him how on earth he does that. He replies "It's simple, really. There's an air vent down by the ground, and if you catch the updraft, you can right yourself and land on the ground with no problems." Then he proceeded to jump out the window again. Well, these two men decided that they just HAD to try this, so they jumped out the window, and SPLAT! -- made a mess hitting all over the ground.
Meanwhile, the first guy has made it back up to the bar. When he sits down to order his drinks, the bartender says "Superman, you can be a real - when you're drunk!"
Nasty Bug
Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.
The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang. He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.
The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.
The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.
The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "What can I do?" he pleaded.
"Not much" the doctor replied. "There's just a nasty bug going around."
Duck hunting
He and a friend go duck hunting in winter, and of course all the lakes are frozen. These two guys go out on the lake with their guns, a dog, and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.
Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it's going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. So, out of the back of the new Navigator truck comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse.
Now, these two Rocket Scientists do take into consideration that they want to place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they are standing (and from the new Navigator truck), and they don't want to take the risk of slipping on the ice when they run from the lit dynamite fuse and possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. They light the 40-second fuse and throw the dynamite as far away as they can.
Remember a couple of sentences back when I mentioned the vehicle, the guns, and the dog??
Let's talk about the dog: it's a highly trained Labrador used for RETRIEVING. Especially well trained at retrieving things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog takes off at a high rate of doggy speed on the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice. The two men yell, scream, wave their arms and wonder what to do now. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming.
One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with #8 birdshot, hardly big enough to stop a Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, but continues on. Another shot and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinking these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator truck..
The men continue to yell as they run away. The exhaust pipe on the truck is still hot, so the dog yelps and drops the dynamite under the truck, and takes off after his master.
Then --BOOM-- the truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two idiots standing there with this "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.
The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments!!!
Hostage released for pizza
An Australian prison guard held hostage for two days was released after a ransom demand for pizzas was met.
Up to 20 inmates at the Risdon Prison in Hobart, Tasmania, seized the guard in a protest over conditions in the maximum security jail.
Initially they made 24 demands to authorities, but eventually gave up their hostage after agreeing to 15 pizzas, Coke and garlic bread instead.
"At midnight, the final sticking point with the inmates was that they were requiring pizzas to be delivered. Our staff member was negotiated out with the delivery of 15 pizzas," Graeme Barber, Tasmania's director of prisons, told The Advocate newspaper.
The guard is recovering from his ordeal at home.
Man learns to tell 'pigs' from cops
A New Zealand man who called police officers 'pigs' has been ordered to spend a day at a pig farm.
The 22-year-old has also been ordered to write an essay about the difference between pigs and police officers.
The man was charged with using offensive language after he hurled abuse at police during a trip to Auckland.
Community Magistrate Robyn Paterson at Tauranga District Court ordered him to spend a day at a pig farm and present a short essay on his experiences, reports The Bay of Plenty Times.
According to the newspaper, he wrote: "I was very, very drunk. I have stopped drinking because of what happened. I have wasted the police's time and my time."
He maintained the word pig could be found in the Oxford dictionary and was often used to describe police.
But added he had learned 'that there is nothing at all in common with a pig and an officer'.
Granny rugby-tackled jay walker
A 77-year-old granny made a citizen's arrest in Germany when she rugby-tackled a 25-year-old jay walker.
The pensioner sat on him until police arrived - because he had walked across a road before the light was green.
The woman, from Freital, near Dresden, shouted at the man as he crossed the road before the little green man flashed up.
The old lady said she became even angrier when he hit her with his rucksack as he pushed past her when he reached the other side of the road.
She grabbed his hair and managed to wrestle him to the ground where she sat on him until police, who had been called by a passer-by, came.
He was taken to a local police station where he was fined for jay walking.
Defendant hurled slipper at judge
An Indian man allegedly hurled a slipper at a court judge who promptly threw a paperweight back in reply.
Nazir Mohammad was in court in Baroda on charges of housebreaking and theft when he jumped out of the witness box and rushed towards the judge.
The robber, reportedly irritated with the slow pace of the case, took off his slipper and threw it at Chief judicial magistrate C D Vaghela.
Judge Vaghela immediately picked up a paperweight from his desk and threw it back at the accused, reports Midday.
Mohammed, who attacked two other judges last year in similar fashion, has been sent back to prison with an extra offence registered against him.
Members of the Baroda Bar Association went on strike after the incident to protest at the lack of security for judges, lawyers and witnesses.
OAP shoplifter lacks bite
A 70-year-old shoplifter tried to evade capture by biting an arresting officer before realising he'd left his dentures at home.
Pensioner Gustav Ernegger turned on the policeman when he grabbed him as he ran out of a clothes shop in Braunschweig, Germany, after stealing a shirt.
But instead of sinking his teeth into the officer's arm, he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums.
Police spokesman Gunther Brauner said: "He tried to bite the officer several times, but had forgotten to put his false teeth in and so was unable to cause him any harm."
